Taintlight, spoof horror film  » Movies  »
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  • Nothing and I mean nothing could have prepared me for this movie that I decided to watch

    • by Sami Oughanem


      I’ve watched movies on mass suicide, rape, people eating shit, and about a dozen more sick things. Nothing and I mean nothing could have prepared me for this movie that I decided to watch. Taintlight. Yes Taintlight, a movie that decided to tear apart the first Twilight movie a year too late. But hey that is ok this movie has got to be good, I must be on something. When a movie can’t get on The Internet Movie Database it has to be good, right?

      To call Taintlight a Twilight parody would be a complement to Taintlight and I sure in hell don’t want to do that now. Taintlight is just one big fart joke that doesn’t want to end. I shut this movie off 6 times. 6 TIMES PEOPLE!!! After I was going to shut it off for the seventh time I told myself that I had to finish this bull shit just so I can get my

      words onto this review. No one and I mean no one should have to go through what I did with Taintlight.

      The movie is only 65 minutes. The plot to Taintlight is pretty much the same as Twilight but it completely changes the dialogue to fit the fart jokes. Same characters with different names but we have a father who wants to ram his daughter and then the next minute he wants the neighborhood kid to shove his unit into his daughter. This is the sort of shit that will make you want to turn the movie off.

      Oh wait how could I forget about the beginning because Taintlight really got Twilight here. A redneck is taking a shit in the forest and all of the sudden he is being chased. The chase lasts longer than it should, trust me. When the redneck thinks he is safe he does what you would expect, bends back down to take a shit. Not funny, he dies, and then that actor turns into another character.

      I don’t know what this movie is trying to do but when you have a good portion of the movie lasting on one joke then you got problems. Finger-bang. What is finger-bang? Oh it is simple to explain but I really don’t want to ruin the fun, maybe you should watch the movie on streaming.

      The actors in this entire movie make all other b-movie actors look like stars. These people can’t even actor nor can they try to do a good job with the material. This is a pretty shitty script but the actors in here made it worse. I would love to sit down and talk to everyone in this movie so bad because they could not have been serious with this movie.

      The DVD picture is about as good as my parent’s old home videos, just when they transferred them from Beta to VHS. I was ...

      • Taintlight, spoof horror film
      insulted that something like this could have been released on DVD.

      Oh for God sake the audio. It sucked. I wish the dialogue was hard to hear. Guess the crew thought what they did was funny so they made sure the DVD audio was good, but not good enough to rave about it to friends and family.

      The extras on this disc feature a commentary track with the cast and crew, a behind the scenes featurette, and trailers. The commentary track got to me fast since they thought Taintlight was awesome and the behind the scenes put me to sleep 3 different times. I wasn’t going to try to watch it, third time was the charm for me with this 25 minute extra.

      I have watched some messed up movies but I can honestly say I would rather watch some of those again than Taintlight. I don’t even want to think about this horrible movie. Who cares what their budget

      was or how long it took to make, Taintlight should never have seen the light of day. If you want to hate movies for the rest of your life then you have your chance here, buy Taintlight.

      Rating Breakdown.

      Movie: -5 out of 10

      - It tries to be a parody but it doesn’t even come close.

      - This movie lasts for 65 minutes!!!

      Picture: 3 out of 10

      + Don’t tie my noose yet, I can see what’s going on in this movie.

      - Wait it’s bad and it makes all other low budget movies look grand. Tie the noose.

      Audio: 1 out of 10

      + You can hear it… - But you don’t want to hear it.

      Extras: 1 out of 10

      + It has extras, three too many.

      - Don’t even think about playing these extras.

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    The review was published as it's written by reviewer in May, 2014. The reviewer certified that no compensation was received from the reviewed item producer, trademark owner or any other institution, related with the item reviewed. The site is not responsible for the mistakes made. 1122051631421231/k2311a0522/5.22.14
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